The loss of a pregnancy, no matter how early or late it occurs, can be a devastating blow to the mother and father. This post is dedicated to all women and men who have lost their children to complications in pregnancy or birth, or even later in life.
You are not alone. Your pain is valid. Pregnancy loss may be a relatively common occurrence but that doesn’t make it any less painful. Acknowledging your pain is the first step to healing it.
When you get a positive pregnancy test, you assume a little human being will land in your arms at the end of nine months. Rarely do you imagine that something could go horribly wrong midway and that the baby won’t make it.
Our first child, baby angel Siri, left this planet even before she could take birth. I developed life-threatening pre-eclampsia during the latter part of pregnancy. This condition halted the growth of the baby and put my own life at risk too.
Thanks to advances in medicine and timely intervention, doctors managed to save my life. However, we had to let the baby go.
I grieved the loss of Siri for years. I experienced episodes of anger, blame, inadequacy, frustration, and helplessness.
On the physical level, I couldn’t understand (and still don’t) why a young and perfectly healthy woman like myself had to develop a random life-threatening condition. On the soul level though, I believe there was a higher reason for this incident.
To some extent, I am able to intuitively decipher the reason behind this seemingly unfortunate incident but I have not found all the pieces of the puzzle yet. It feels like there are way too many pieces and I am waiting for all of them to fit together and reveal the complete picture to me.
I trust I will find my answer one day when I am fully ready to know, understand and accept it.
It took me several years to come to some acceptance of Siri’s loss. By the Grace of the Divine, we are now blessed with two beautiful children and I love them with all my heart.
Along with my two incarnated angels, I will always love and honour Siri as one of our offspring. I didn’t get to hold her in my arms. But that doesn’t change the fact that she was our first baby.
When I give Siri her rightful place within the family, I find that my love for my other two children multiplies.
Siri may not be here in physical form but I often sense her presence on the energetic level. I cannot offer a logical explanation for this because energy doesn’t always work in logical ways. Many experiences in life have to be taken on trust. I prefer to enjoy such moments for what they offer, minus the analysis.
On this anniversary of her transitioning to the higher planes, I felt inspired to pen down a heartfelt note-
Dearest Baby Angel Siri,
The time we spent together was brief. I wish things had been different. I wish I could have held you and nurtured you.
Our separation seems to have been part of a higher plan. My mind doesn’t understand it but my soul knows there is more to this separation than just pain and misery. I trust that when the time is right, the ‘human me’ will manage to retrieve the answers to my burning questions from the ‘soul me.’
I choose to clear all subconscious and unconscious energy distortions behind this occurrence with the beautiful words of Ho’oponopono-
I am sorry
Please forgive me
I love you
I trust these words will transform all pain – hidden and otherwise – and bring healing to you, me, and all involved.
I will always love you from the bottom of my heart. I pray that you are free and happy, wherever you are.
And we will meet again, somewhere across time and space…
This time in the best of circumstances, in accordance with divine will and in perfect divine timing.
This is my promise to you, little one…